Where to begin? For those brave souls who fastidiously followed the proceedings that ultimately elected Brett Kavanaugh into the Supreme Court, I applaud you. It’s been a wild ride. The case brought up negative sentiments for most people, regardless of beliefs, and has turned out to be rapidly polarizing the nation. One half of the country believes Dr. Ford, and the other half, unfortunately, sympathizes with Kavanaugh. If we take a step back and examine the bigger picture, we’ll find that electing Kavanaugh to be a Supreme Court Justice was purely politically motivated. The Republicans wanted another Republican in the Supreme Court, plain and simple. They would have voted for Kavanaugh regardless of the accusation. However, regrettably, these legislators are so caught up in their own political world that they failed to see the far-reaching, tragic consequences of their vote. Let’s get to it, shall we? First of all, it’s important to understand that there is no glory, no splendor that comes from reporting a sexual assault. Dr. Ford had nothing to gain and so much to lose by disclosing. Some might argue that she might have been motivated by fame or money, but did the public scrutiny that resulted from the trial seem enjoyable? Would you want that kind of national media attention for yourself? Survivors grapple with disclosing for a variety of reasons, and it’s rarely an easy decision to come forward. More on that below. Take a moment and think about this case in the context of your own life. Think about a traumatic experience you’ve endured. Maybe it’s a death of child, maybe it’s a car accident, or maybe it’s being bullied repeatedly as a youngster. Now, imagine having to retell that story over and over again, with all its details and pain, just to have those listening tell you your memory is incorrect. “It didn’t happen like that,” they’d say. “You’re making a big deal out of nothing,” they’d say. Keep in mind, they are talking about one of the most traumatic experiences of your life. Can you imagine what that would feel like? How isolating, how helpless, how painful? Men: you are not entitled to feeling victimized right now. Don’t talk about how “this is a scary time right now.” This is, collectively, your responsibility. When people say that these “allegations” are ruining Kavanaugh’s life, I want you to take a moment and truly think about that. Have they really? Has he had nightmares, flashbacks, broken relationships, and chronic hypervigilance for the past 36 years? It seems that they, in fact, have not ruined his life. Not even close. He is holding one of the utmost positions of power in our country. We’ve rewarded his predatory behavior with more power. How fitting. One of the most difficult aspects of this case is the realization that our friends and family members may have drastically different viewpoints on this hot-button social issue. How do we reconcile the fact that our partner doesn’t believe Ford is telling the truth? That our father dismisses the outrage by feminists as “trite” and an “overreaction”? Within our own small community of family and friends, these recent events can feel just as polarizing as what’s happening to our country. While it is easy to yell, scream, and argue, these tactics will result in more harm than good. To deal with conflicting opinions ideally, each person would share his or her perspective on the issue, while the other listens intently and respectfully. Sounds like a pipe dream, huh? This issue sparks a deep passion within many people that makes it difficult to remain non-reactive when interacting with people of the opposing viewpoint. For many of us, this issue deals with our identity, our souls, our own memories. For others, this issue puts us on the defensive, and we feel like we’re defending our own actions as well as Kavanaugh’s. Consider if the friendship or relationship still makes sense. Can you continue interacting with this person knowing their beliefs? Do you have the mental and emotional space to educate this person – and are they open to learning? In my office, survivors in various stages of healing are struggling to make sense of this. Many of them are reliving their own trauma, as well as the trauma that resulted from disclosing an assault and not being believed, for some. Oftentimes, that can be equally as damaging as the assault. Dr. Ford came forward and spoke her truth. She was subjected to harassment and hate for telling her story, and her assailant ultimately attained what he wanted. As a culture, we’re constantly encouraging survivors of sexual assault to come forward (especially with the #MeToo movement), yet we quickly backtrack when survivors actually do. It’s mind-boggling, really. It’s like the “Boy Who Cried Wolf” - we keep telling women it’s safe to disclose, but when they do, it’s met with hate and criticism. To believe women is to acknowledge our own responsibility in contributing to this society. To believe women is to carry the guilt and burden of knowing you could have acted better, could have intervened, could have believed, could have done something different. To believe women is to look internally, rather than blaming your neighbor, the stranger in the alley, the convicted rapists. We often choose the easy route, the path where we turn our hearts away from the discomfort. But I urge you: choose to be brave. Choose to face yourself head-on and self-reflect; it is far more cowardly to blame and point fingers. Just as changing the culture of racism must start with white people, changing rape culture and sexism must stem from men. It is then, and only then, can our culture start to shift to one of equality.
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