As a young professional, I’m always looking for ways to network and expand my services as a therapist. Recently, I was chatting with a male supervisor about this, and he made the comment, “You’re cute, you’re going to be hit on in the workplace all the time. It’s annoying, but that’s just the way it’ll be.” Um… what? That’s “just the way it’ll be?” As a woman, I’m expected to keep a smile plastered on my face and ignore the sexual innuendos and sexist comments in the workplace. I’m expected to know how to defend myself if the colleague or client “goes too far” (my colleague proceeded to inform me that I can kick the man in the nether-regions to stop him…as if I would never be able to think of that myself). But men are never expected to change their behavior. They aren’t expected to stop calling women “cute” in the workplace. They aren’t expected to be introspective and reflect on past times when they may have made a woman uncomfortable. Worse yet, they aren’t expected to stop utilizing their higher status in a company to exploit women. It becomes the woman’s job not to be harassed; instead, it needs to be the men’s job to not harass. While little comments like “you’re cute” likely seem innocuous or even complimentary to the men making them, they are an issue. Here’s why: every time you call me “cute,” you’re undercutting my value to my organization and my skills. You’re insinuating that the business I generate, connections I make, and people I help are primarily due to the way I look. If I were a man, no colleague - male or female – would comment on my appearance in the workplace. Instead, they’d say things like, “He’s great at building and maintaining relationships with local businesses” or, “He’s adept at making people feel at ease, allowing them to open up more fully.” That is the crux of sexism: treating me differently based on my gender identity. It’s the same principle as the argument against dress codes. Why do girls need to make sure they are adequately covered up so boys don’t inappropriately behave toward them? What if, instead, we began teaching boys how to act appropriately toward girls? Taken a step further, people often comment on a rape victim’s attire, saying that a scantily clad woman “wanted it.” Statements like these are utterly confounding, and frankly, I’m sick of it being my responsibility to not get assaulted. As a culture, we are so quick to take all responsibility off men, the responsibility that simply needs to be there. Without men taking ownership of their actions, nothing about sexism in our culture is going to change. Perhaps the most disconcerting aspect of this entire issue is that often men don’t realize they are being sexist. While I recognize that men’s intentions are usually in the right place, good intentions just aren’t going to cut it anymore. It’s tiring to continue excusing men’s ignorance. As a therapist and human being, I’m consistently trying to educate myself about social issues, which include both women’s and men’s issues. More men need to begin educating themselves (in whatever way they please – online, talking with a sister or friend, you name it!) about sexism, as well as taking the time to truly reflect on their past behavior. What can they do better in the future? I’m disappointed with myself that I didn’t take the time to explain to my supervisor why his comment was offensive. I bit my tongue, like usual, because there’s a power differential between us (him being male and him being my supervisor). Moving forward, I’m going to challenge myself to stop biting my tongue, to wipe that forced, plastered smile off my face, and calmly take the time to explain incidences of sexism when they occur. If you’re a woman, I challenge you to do the same. If you’re a man, I challenge you to become more self-reflective about your behavior, as well as learn more about the insidious effects of sexism. Someday, I’m hopeful that our culture will be different.
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